Warning…. This is a post about toxic dating and relationships in today’s world. I’ve had my fair share of them. Toxic relationships that Is. Being back on the dating sites in mid-life has reminded me how important boundaries are.
Truth be known, it has been good practice for me. Through thousands of dollars of counseling and knowing that I was the common denominator in the loss of my relationships, I had to ask some hard, raw questions to get to a place where I could finally honor my desire for a healthy relationship again. I had to learn to trust myself before putting myself back out there.
From the detoxification and health standpoint, the people closest to us have the greatest potential to keep us in the wrong nervous system or the sympathetic, fight or flight system. This system keep us sick and on edge. I have spent too much time there myself, which is why I try to explain it’s impact to others. Stress, anxiety and adrenaline are not a friend to your overall health and detoxification capacity. Choose people in you life, dating or otherwise, that make you feel as excited as you would be for your favorite pizza to arrive on your front door step! And leave the energy vampires behind on the outside of your most sacred space; home.
Many women struggle with menopause but I love it. I have very few symptoms (more on that in a different post) and the no malarky meter, when it comes to relationships, is on high. The only reason I mention this is because it is easier to draw boundaries when your hormones are lower. As a teenager, this was a bit more challenging. It’s not that there is no desire “ eh, hem”. Just no desire for anything inauthentic. It seems there is a world full of people that think we don’t mean what we say, or the interpretation is so wildly different that our worlds could never fold together functionally. I can only speak from the feminine side of this. I’m pretty sure good guys deal with some of the same issues.
I’m going to run through some recent dating experiences for your reading pleasure.
Today’s dating interlude included a nice visit that seemed promising. Then I hit pause when I heard statements about what he thought I wanted without discussing directly what that was. Strike one. He liked to dance which I thought was cool. He started talking about dancing and pulling women close that he didn’t know their relationship status but “ Don’t worry. I never touched their butts.” Strike 2. And then the sexual content within 6 hours of having a phone conversation. Annnnd… 3. In retrospect, there were other pauses, non answers or half answers I should have paid more attention to. I wished him well and he called my response a “hair trigger.” I gave it he “ha ha” rather than the thumbs up. Then responded, “life experience”.
Minimizing my experience will never get anyone a seat at my table eating my favorite pizza (eye wink). I spent thousands getting healthy remember? The further you get into relationships these sorts of things never get better, just worse. And that has in fact, been my experience. This person was supposedly a highly regarded scientist. I’ve been treated better by the garage tech. Perhaps not as much of an intellectual connection but geez. It says right on my profile, “I’m not your hook up.” I don’t know how to be any plainer than that. This sort of relationship could be the boxed, frozen cheese pizza. It fills a hungry stomach but seriously lacking on the ‘food experience” front.
Then there is the guy that didn’t call or text back for 9 days. He circle back around 3 times. Me saying “no” each time. One time he reached out and pretended he didn’t know who I was. That was entertaining. I told him I could put him through a detox program to help with his brain fog. He didn’t think that was funny or bite for some reason.
Then there was the guy who claimed he was perfectly healthy but 50 pounds overweight. I guessed his weight exactly from pictures. “How did you know?” 35 years of clinical experience means you have an eye for these things, if I know someone’s height. It really has limited usefulness except in these sorts of situations however. As a clinician, staying out of judgmental space is important to really help people but those 50 pounds translated to disease risk and negative health outcomes. The goal isn’t for the life insurance payout at the beginning of a relationship. I really liked him otherwise, but being a dietitian meant I had to have this conversation in the dating space. “But my doctor said I’m perfectly healthy and I started eating salad for you instead of fast food!” Good start. You need to do this for you, not me however. Your doctor needs his head examined and his license revoked. This experience was at least a frozen supreme. Better, but not quite there yet.
And then there was the guy that told me that he would only date me if I didn’t ghost him and then….. he ghosted me. I have found that people will often tell you their issues before you get to experience it with them. Back to the frozen boxed cheese. This one with artificial ingredients.
What about the guy that texted me on the way to the river with his buddies. He apologized for not talking the day before. “There is no excuse…I’m so sorry.“ , he said.When I texted back that I was waiting to hear back from my daughter to go to the Current River….. radio silence. Ooops! Hit a chord. He knew how much I floated. My daughter eventually said she wasn’t able to make it, so I had a decision to make.
Do I go? Do I not go?
I went.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I frequently do this by myself anyway. Should this event dictate the joy in my weekend or a change in plans? The answer for someone like me lies in the understanding that true happiness is in the decision making that feeds your spirit regardless of the situation. I had not yet met this guy so why should I let it bother me? Ironically, there was a large group of men on the section I was floating with my dog. Pretty sure he was in the group praying he didn’t run across me again and again. I smirked a bit at the thought more that once that weekend. And so the patience I had about him stilling living on the same property with his ex-wife but in separate houses dissolved.“ No really, we are just friends and I know Jesus.” Right. This wasn’t going to work anyway.
Have a great trip. I am.
Then there are the 6 guys or so, that didn’t respond when they got the phone number they asked for. This is the equivalent of seeing the empty pizza box on the counter that someone neglected to throw away. Teasing me with what could have been.
Or the folks in non monogamous relationships, that sometimes involve extra people.
I’m a one man woman and I am enough.
Or the guy that clearly had Alzheimers and perhaps did’t know it. He responded 3 days later to a text that he clearly felt happened minutes ago. “No sir, I’m sorry, I don’t believe this will work.” I wanted to do a Neurotoxic Assessment on him but thought better of it because we had not met yet. I’m past massaging relationships into something that they are not. And generally, these things are not well received when perceived to be coming out of thin air, if he even remembered.
And then there was the handful of guys that could only talk about themselves for a good hour. I’m a good listener but this is no set up for a rewarding life. Some of them proclaimed significant financial stability. Not one question about me except “ Don’t you want to see my big boat?” “No, I want to see if you have the ability to care about something past that last demise of the relationship, that you still blame on your spouse and just took up an hour of my time with.” My question is always, “ And what did you learn from all of that? But you have to sneak it in fast because they just keep talking. Made me wonder if “big boat” was a code word for something else and I’m just oblivious.
I remain in gratitude for men who show their colors early. When I comes to relationships, there can be anything but 100% ownership of our lives. It keeps us chasing healthy, un-stressful, mutually supportive relationships. It keeps us choosing the right nervous system; the rest and digest system known as the parasympathetic nervous system. There is no authentic alternative. Our decisions change when we can’t blame someone else for what happens.
And.. let’s not forget the men people who reach out from two states away even though your profile specifies a particular distance.
My personal favorite however was they guy who told me about his sexual dysfunction within 10 minutes of talking to him. He said, “ I don’t want to make this about sex but you need to know this.” Well sir, you just made it about sex. In fact, it’s all I can think about, not because it would have bothered me down the line once I got to know you but you led with it. Now, that’s ALL it’s about. While some might think he was being manipulative, I think he was so distraught by his medical diagnosis that he really didn’t realize what he was doing. I felt bad for him because a good woman would make decisions based on the relationship not the potential for sex or lack thereof, down the road. He thought he was being transparent but it was actually self sabotage.
All this to say… all health is local. And it doesn’t get any more local than in your own home. Please choose well out there. It doesn’t get any more real than when you have a life event and you have no support. Slow down, honor your feelings, don’t ignore the small stuff that might be minimized by someone who does not have your best interests at heart, take 100% ownership of your life and believe you will find your person. I’m hoping this gives someone the strength to either forge forth or say “no”, which ever is most appropriate. Make that pizza the best ‘food experience’ ever. Go for the authentic wood fired, with locally sourced ingredients cooked to culinary perfection at 700 degrees in less than 2 minutes with perhaps a glass of an Italian Red Blend? in midlife we are only half way there so, you’ll want someone you can rely on and enjoy for the rest of your life.
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